Updated Employee Handbook (Career and Job Humor)

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

 DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise until you learn this lesson.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If  you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called  Saturday and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for  dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to  have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where  employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will allow you to work through your  lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

 RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a  strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,  an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall  door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a  positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,  concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,  insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE ADMINISTRATION