Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $160,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

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Dilbert always has a fresh perspective on salary and negotiation!

 

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

 DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise until you learn this lesson.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If  you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called  Saturday and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for  dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to  have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where  employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will allow you to work through your  lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

 RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a  strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,  an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall  door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a  positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,  concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,  insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE ADMINISTRATION

It matters what you say in interviews. Here is a humorous look at what NOT to say in a job interview:

10. “How do I deal with difficult people?
Well, that depends on who would notice if they disappeared after a late night at the office…”

9. “My highest achievement in life is staying put in this office with your cologne.”

8. “Résumé? I prefer non-French words. How about ‘The Condensed Life & Times of An Extraordinary and Amazing Person Who You Will Bitterly Regret Passing By If You Foolishly Choose To Do So?'”

7. “Five years from now? You mean, assuming that I’m still on earth?”

6. “Um, I don’t know the current version of that program. But back in ’97, I did. The theory’s probably the same. It’s like riding a bike, you know?”

5. “I’m a real people person. People are by far my favorite kind of persons. All kinds of people.”

4. “Look me in the eye, and tell me if I ain’t the most honest-lookin’ person you would trust to handle the company’s money.”

3. “Oh-my-Gosh, you need to give me this job because it’s, like, fate or something. I had a dream that I was running  through this exact office with a Nerf gun with a giant pig chasing after me.”

2.”Yeah, a moment where I demonstrated teamwork was when me and my girlfriends totally rocked it in the amateur beer chugging contest at Scuzzy’s and donated our winnings to charity. We totally trashed our competition.”

1. “How would I describe myself in three words or less? Loyal, handworking, and, uhhm, ah, um, Smart”?

Sometimes we just need a break during career stress or a job search…so here’s a chuckle for you!

FUNNY EXCERPTS FROM PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS  

These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
4. “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely-won’t-be.”
5. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
9. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
10. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
11. “This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”